Movie Discussion: The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

December 31, 2014 discussion, fun, movies, reviews 0


Sooo, I finally went to see The Hobbit. Fair warning: I haven’t read the book; I’ve never been involved in the LotR craziness; and I have a really sketchy memory when it comes to the first two movies. This results in 1) me being very uninformed 2) me not being annoyed at plot and character changes because I have no clue. Okay, let’s talk.

I liked the first two movies, but they didn’t exactly blow me away. I assume they’re great when you want a faithful adaption of the book, but I just didn’t think there was enough story to justify three movies. I don’t mind too much, because I do appreciate time for character development and worldbuilding, but I still think two would have been WAY better. HOWEVER, this movie kinda rocked.

For some reason I thought the defeat of Smaug was going to be the main point of the movie, so when he was killed off in like the first two minutes (in, might I say, true badass fashion by none other than my man: Bard) I was like whaaaat noooo why. It’s not like I was siding with the villain, but I can’t help but appreciate a magnificent fire-breathing lizard. Speaking of, I couldn’t help but notice everyone has an elk, goat or wolve to ride on – guessing horses aren’t very fashionable anymore.

This movie is like a rolling stone (no stay, I promise I’m not going to start singing). After the initial excitement, the movie takes its sweet, sweet time to build up some sort of plot and suspense, but when it does, BOY does it gain momentum. I was THRILLED Bard played such a big part. After watching the last movie I kept saying to my friends yeah, it was nice but DID YOU NOTICE BARD (okay, I didn’t actually know his name, so I might have constituted Bard with “that guy who looks like Orlando Bloom in handsome”). What surprised me though, was how much I liked Legolas. I sooort of watched Lord of the Rings, but I was drunk and it was six years ago, so I can’t remember every little detail and who did what when, but Legolas never really grew on me (I know, I know, sorry). IN THIS MOVIE THOUGH. Everyone’s losing their fights during the final battle and Legolas swoops in and saves the motherfucking DAY. Okay, that scene with him running up the crumbling stone in slowmo was kind of weird, but apart from that lots of love for Legolas.

And Thorin! He was one of my favorites from very early on and then he’s suddenly being all douchy and Scrooge McDuck because of some weird gold madness.

Thorin is Scrooge McDuck
The similarity is evident.

I had almost lost hope of redemption and resigned myself to the fact I’d have to hate him from then on when SUDDENLY he manages to pull himself together and get back his heart-warming smile. It didn’t seem entirely plausible to me that he just did a 180 (was it one friend too many telling him he’d become a douchebag?), but I’LL TAKE IT. I’d like to know how this happens in the book because it might make more sense, so do tell me if you know. And then he dies this tragic hero death and all I think is FILM MAKERS, you had the opportunity to let him defeat his enemy by PRETENDING to attack him (seriously HOW COOL WAS THAT) and what do you do? Sigh.

No need to body shame poor Smaug. JEEZ he’s already dead, cut him some slack.

Something else I was confused about: why FIVE armies? So there are the dwarves, the elves, the orcs, if you’re generous the humans even though I wouldn’t exactly call them an organized army and then… the eagles? Yeah, not convinced. I know there were other creatures in the book (I know this because I just looked it up), but the name kind of didn’t make sense for the movie. But let’s not get lost in semantics. I really enjoyed the movie, especially towards the end, and I think it had some great moments in it. It was way better than the first two, although nothing beats Ed’s soundtrack for the second one. Also, facial expressions. I can recall at least ten times where I thought “gosh I hope someone GIF’d this”. I want to rewatch Lord of the Rings to see what happens to everyone now. Also because I vaguely remember this guy.

What’d y’all think of the movie?

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