Remember Bambi? Bunnies hopping, birds singing, deer frolicking,… or that’s what you think. I watched Bambi with my roommate last week, and we spent about 20 minutes curled up in little trauma balls afterwards. Since my way of processing things is to write about them, you get to find out EXACTLY why.
Rape, death, annoying little children… this movie has it all. Let’s make a list! Do I need to warn for spoilers for Bambi? Consider yourself warned. Where was I? Right, list.
This is not a happy movie…
- Bambi’s mother dies. This is actually the least traumatizing part of the movie. You know it’s coming (at least if you’ve ever seen someone with an I Cried When Bambi’s Mama Died shirt) and death is a natural part of life yadda yadda
- ENORMOUS amounts of insta-love. Like, seriously. Three characters fall in love (yes, I realize they’re all animals, but they’re humanized, so it counts) with someone the moment they set eyes on them and then abandon their friends in the span of one minute.
- Bambi finds a mate and suddenly some other creeptastic dude shows up and CLEARLY pushes her away to rape her, so Bambi has to fight him to save the damsel in distress
- Bambi’s eye color changes from brown to red. Is he actually a demon!??
- The children are SO ANNOYING. Did I seriously like Thumper as a kid!?
- The forest burns down and it looks like frickin’ hellfire right out of an apocalypse movie
- The movie switches from Stepford-happy to horror and destruction to Stepford happy again in the blink of an eye. Bambi’s mum dies – the next scene is all fun and games. The forest burns down – in the next scene everyone’s hopping around in perfect harmony. The hell?
- Animals get shot by out of frame people and left behind several times. Dystopia much?
- Bambi’s alleged father creepily watches him and his mother until his mum dies and is NEVER present and then suddenly takes Bambi away when his mum dies (do we know what happened in those last moments of her death? Did Bambi’s father “help” her along? I’m ready to believe anything at this point.)
- At the end of the movie, Bambi’s partner has two babies and, like his own father before him, Bambi just watches from afar. Family goals? NOT REALLY.
And as if that’s not enough, there are TONS of open questions at the end of the movie!
- If Bambi’s father is the Prince of the Forest and Bambi is the Young Prince of the Forest, who the eff is the king? Is there a queen? Are they even worse parental figures who never show up? I don’t understand the royal system.
- Did that skunk just change gender or was there a same sex couple? I mean I’m all for queer representation, just askin’.
- How much thinly veiled “educational” advice was in this movie? Did someone count? Let’s make a drinking game out of it. If I had paid attention to “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”, I wouldn’t have written a single review.
- Who’s going to pay for the psychiatric treatment I need now?
- Why is that stuffed bunny on top of my shelf looking so threatening now?
Maybe kids in 1942 were a lot tougher than adults in 2015, but the whole movie feels like you’re either A) on a psychotic trip after munching on some of those magic mushrooms you found frolicking in the forest (Can humans frolic? Probably not. Maybe after eating the mushrooms.) or B) like you’re taking a stroll in the mind of a psychopath. Seriously people, next time you want to watch a horror movie, just rent out Bambi instead. (But don’t, seriously.)